Why Hot Johnny Loves Lana: A Rebuttal
Posted by: John

This column was written in response to the 9/24 column on KryptonSite which you can find by clicking here

Hi everyone. My name's John, but you can call me Hot Johnny. After reading Hot Toddy's well-thought-out editorial on Lana Lang, I myself wanted to follow in the footsteps of his genius by taking a similar screen name. (Since his editorial also contained lots of biting sarcasm, I'm following in his footsteps on that as well...so consider my earlier remarks about his "genius" and his editorial being "well-thought-out" as nothing more than sarcastic statements.)

Anyway, since I'm just dying with all of my heart to be exactly like Hot Toddy, I guess a good way to start this editorial is to, like him, make assumptions and speculate. After all, in his editorial he (if he IS a "he"...Hot Toddy could be nothing more than a jealous female stalker fan who is jealous of Kristen Kreuk...maybe because Miss Kreuk's prettier...or maybe because Miss Kreuk gets to kiss, hug, and hang out with Eric Johnson and Tom Welling on a regular basis and Hot Toddy...if that IS her real name...doesn't; therefore, Hot Toddy masks her jealousy...and her true gender...with a bunch of unfair criticisms of Miss Kreuk's character role...see how easy it is to speculate?) has based almost all of his negative opinions of the lovely Lana Lang on nothing more than assumptions and speculation.

Let's list a few, shall we? Hot Toddy calls Lana "indecisive and insipid and self-absorbed and a bit of a suck-up." Now, to show how open-minded I am, I completely and whole-heartedly agree with Hot Toddy's first criticism regarding Lana's indecisiveness. She truly is indecisive when it comes to which guy she likes more and what she wants to do with her life. Her indecisiveness is truly a major character flaw...but not for your average fourteen-to-fifteen-year-old girl. Hot Toddy, I ask you to be completely honest with yourself and take yourself back to when you were (or maybe are) a fourteen year-old boy (or girl...how should I know?) Did you truly know what you wanted out of life back then? Did you truly know what you wanted in a girl (or boy?)

I refer all of us to Hot Toddy's number-one girl, Chloe. Now, I like Chloe just as much as I like Lana, but let's face it. If you're going to criticize Lana for being undecisive about Clark and Whitney, then consistency demands that you just can't ignore Chloe's leaping into the arms of Principal Kwan's murderer just because she's mad at Clark. Who's undecisive now? In fact, when Clark tried to warn her about the psycho she was kissing, she ignored his warnings simply because she was mad at him. On the other hand, in the second episode Lana didn't ignore Lex Luthor's warnings about what Whitney did to Clark in the pilot episode, even though her overall impression of Lex was negative due to seeing him and some bimbo learning "the breast stroke" in a swimming pool when she was a child. This tells me that Lana has a better head on her shoulders than Hot Toddy's hottie, Chloe. Hot Toddy needs to realize that a lot of women, especially teenage girls, are emotional and at times don't have the slightest idea of what they want. Both Lana and Chloe have shown emotion and indecisiveness so far, but Lana has handled hers a lot better than Chloe. Need I remind you of how emotional and judgmental Chloe got when Lana tried to help her get her editor position back after Principal Kwan took it away from her? Got any criticisms on that, Hot Toddy?

Let's move on. How many fourteen-year-old girls willingly and completely on their own initiative walk off the cheerleading squad and take on a job, like Lana did? Not many, and you know why? Because your average fourteen-year-old girl isn't mature enough to realize that there are more important things in life than cheerleading...like getting an income and thereby building a resume and helping your relatives out in financially supporting you. However, Lana did realize those things. Instead of bashing her for it, why not give praise where praise is due and encourage others to follow her example?

How many fourteen-year-olds in general do really well right off the bat at their first job? Not many, so Lana being fired from the coffeehouse so soon is closer to reality than Hot Toddy would have us believe. How many fourteen-year-olds in general, after being fired, pick themselves right up off the ground and try again...and in fact set their sights for the much higher goal of helping to run a business? Not many.

Now, one of Hot Toddy's big beefs is how unrealistic Lana's situation is when it comes to her helping run the Talon. First of all, it strikes me as ironic that Hot Toddy is wanting to strongly uphold reality in a show about a teenager from another planet who can bend steel, see through walls, and run faster than the speeding bullet that would bounce off of him if it ever hit him. I don't see him complaining about the realism of THOSE aspects of the show. Secondly, concerning the aspect of having the goal of running a coffeehouse, I would have to agree with him that it is unrealistic...simply due to Lana's age. However, where Hot Toddy and I disagree is that in this aspect she is more of an adult than her peers and, while being statistically unrealistic, it nonetheless deserves praise instead of hate and contempt.

Hot Toddy criticizes her for coming to Luthor unprepared the first time. I ask: how many fourteen-year-olds have enough business savvy in the first place to come to Luthor any more prepared than she was? Going back to my earlier comments, how many fourteen-year-olds in general would have any other concerns other than school extra-curricular activities? Furthermore, after being shot down, not that many fourteen-year-old girls (or boys) would have had the maturity, humility and courage to a: seek and receive advice on how to do better, and b: approach Luthor again for another try. Hot Toddy then ASSUMES that Lana is incapable of learning from her earlier mistakes of being fired and not being prepared for the business proposition with Luthor, and therefore is a poor manager of the coffeehouse. What I see is that she has already proven herself to have the insight and humility to learn from her mistakes and take advice on how to do better when she took Clark's advice on how to get Lex to say yes to her business proposition.

Hot Toddy also criticizes her for wanting to keep the Talon open due to sentiment. I ask: what female ISN'T sentimental? She's only acting like what she is: a woman. Assuming that Hot Toddy is a man, my advice to him is to realize quickly that women are a lot more sentimental than men; it will help him with any relationship he is pursuing or will pursue in the future. (Of course, I'm speculating that he isn't in fact already aware of this...but he does such a good job of speculating himself that I'm just trying to keep up.)

Let's move on, shall we? Let's talk about Lana and the Nicodemus flower. What Hot Toddy focuses on is that Lana got all Anna Nicole Smith on Clark in the swimming pool instead of Whitney, which obviously means that deep down she either wants to lead Clark on and is a slut...or that she in truth wants Clark more than Whitney and is a cheating slut. What I'd like to point out is that, after coming under the spell of the flower, she FIRST came to Whitney and tried to get him to cut class with her (perhaps to go for a dip in the pool?) He turned her down, and so she dumped him and set her sights on the next guy that showed interest in her: Clark. If her deep desires are so anti-Whitney, then why didn't she just ignore him completely and go straight for Clark? I'll tell you why: because in truth she loves both of them...and if she was 22, that would be something I'd say that she should have grown out of, but since she's fourteen or fifteen, she's only acting her age in this aspect. Give her some more time and experience and maturity and she'll be more decisive about what she wants in a guy and which guy she wants. It's called patience, Hot Toddy. I hope you're not a parent.

Hot Toddy writes, "Let's also not forget about that Chloe/Lana exchange in "Rogue" where Lana said she didn't want to get in Chloe's way as far as Clark was concerned. But then look what happened when Clark finally pulled his head out and gave Chloe a shot? Backstab much, Lana?" Okay, Hot Toddy. What exactly DID happen? Clark touches Chloe's hand or gives Chloe a hug or asks Chloe to the dance. Lana sees and/or hears about all of this. It makes her unhappy because part of her likes Clark too. But what else happens? Does she do anything? Does she come over to the barn before the dance and plant one on Clark? No. When Chloe was kidnapped, did Lana say, "Now's my chance!" and put the pressure on Clark to date her? No. Was she jealous? Oh yes, I'm not denying that. So what? She has enough self-control to not in any way "get in Chloe's way." That's maturity. In Gone With The Wind, Scarlett O'Hara liked a man who was engaged to another woman, and yet that didn't stop her from being the slut she was and trying to proposition him throughout his marriage, even while acting all nice and everything to his wife. If you want to accuse someone on the big or small screen of backstabbing, there's your woman. Not Lana.

Concerning Lana's "dead parent weirdness." Hot Toddy, with all due respect (and believe me, a LOT is due you), how in the world do you know what you would or wouldn't do in reacting to the death of your parents? My girlfriend lost her father recently. During his life, he had given her a personalized license plate that she secretly didn't like that much and was planning on changing. After his death, she decided to keep the plates on her car instead of changing them. She's been out to his graveside many times since his death as well. This real-life behavior is not so different from the behavior we to my recollection only saw Lana do twice early in the first season. So maybe she's not as weird as you would have us to believe.

Concerning her ignoring that the kidnapper was behind her: it sure didn't look that way to me. It looked to me like she was too paralyzed with fear to turn around. If you knew Jeffrey Dahmer was standing behind you, what would you do? If you want to be completely honest, just say that you don't know for sure what you would do. It's easy for all of us to say, "Well, I'd do this or that." It's really easy for us to stand on the sidelines and criticize. But if we were actually in that situation, none of us knows for sure if we would act any differently. I can say the same thing concerning Lana's reactions to the tornado and the gas mains exploding.

Well, this has certainly been fun. Hot Toddy, I'll see you around. (Whether or not I'll see you coming out of the men's room or ladies' room...well folks, your theory is as good as mine.) Concerning everyone's opinions on Lana Lang, whatever your opinion is is yours, and you are welcome to have it. However, the world would be a better place if we made all of our opinions based only on the facts and ALL of the facts, instead of speculating and ignoring certain aspects.

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