The New Joke Thread

[SMLVLFAN89]

Found it on the internet and i think the old joke thread is gone, so i made a new thread.

Only in America

Nothing is funnier than the truth...

1. Only in America ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America ... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America ... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put all our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we don't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'poli' in latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

1. On Sears hair dryer. 'Do not use while sleeping'. [Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.]

2. On a bag of Fritos: 'You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details Inside'. [Evidently this is a shoplifter special.]

3. On a bar of Dial soap: 'Directions: Use like regular soap'. [And that would be how...?]

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: 'Serving suggestions: Defrost'. [But it's just a suggestion.]

5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of the box): 'Do not turn upside down'. [Oops, too late.]

6. On a Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: 'Product will be hot after heating'. [As sure as night follows the day.]

7. On the packaging for a Rowenta iron: 'Do not iron clothes on body'. [But wouldn't this save even more time?]

8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: 'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication'. [We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those five-year-olds with head colds off those fork lifts.]

9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: 'Warning: May cause drowsiness'. [One would hope so.]

10. On most brands of Christmas lights: 'For indoor or outdoor use only'. [As opposed to what?]

11. On a Japenese food processor: 'Not to be used for other use'. [I gotta admit, I'm curious.]

12. On Sainsbury's peanuts, 'Warning: Contains nuts'. [NEWS FLASH]

13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: 'Instructions, open packet, eat nuts'. [Step 3: Fly United.]

14. On a child's Superman costume: 'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly'.

[Great Caesar's Ghost]

14. On a child's Superman costume: 'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly'.
DAMN! I want a refund!

[reddevil]

haha

[SGuthrie]

LOL, I loved that second list (and the first was good too -- I'd just already read it before). Great stuff!!!

--Jeff ><>' :)--

[Mr Boejangles]

all of these apply to Canada too... wait oh yeah, canada is "america", so i guess that is implied ?

[DURANCAT]

LOL that was excellent.

On a stupid note. I read somewhere that some kids in America are suing McDonalds because their food made them fat ????
True or not ??

[SMLVLFAN89]

Yeah i dont really remember it, but it was about these kids who ate there like 4 times a day became really fat and tried to sue mcdonalds because of it. Only in America...

[Great Caesar's Ghost]

Yeah, it's true. They're trying to put together a class-action lawsuit against the fast food industry, very similar to the suit against Big Tobacco.

Trial lawyers are at the heart of the McD's suit, methinks. Only in America.

[KKrazy]

Originally posted by SMLVLFAN89
Found it on the internet and i think the old joke thread is gone, so i made a new thread.

Only in America

Nothing is funnier than the truth...

1. Only in America ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Also, a news team can get to a scene of an accident faster then the ambulance too to film the arrival of that ambulace. LOL :lol: This happened on the day Big Thunder Railroad crashed. Hehehe. The camera crew filmed the arrival of the ambulance to the scene of the accident.

[Tayoni]

LOL! We need more threads like this!

[Oracle]

*giggles* I agree with Tayoni! We need mooore threads like this. heh.. i needed a laugh

[SMLVLFAN89]

Heres another I found:

Top ten ways to harass a telemarketer

10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...."

9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you are just about to file for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

5. Tell the telemarketer you are on 'home incarceration' and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" (This one was on Seinfeld)

2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

And, first and foremost:

1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down...

[Oracle]

:rotfl: I *MUST* use number three! OH man!! These are great! XD

[Kerryann]

I laughed myself out of my chair!!!

[Mr Boejangles]

hehe those are funny, but they dont call as much :(


:D


#3 though is from sienfield, its a classic

another from his show is
When they ask, 'so are you interested in subscribing to our paper' you very enthusiastically say "YES I AM !" and hang up.

[vnea36kr]

:rotfl:

I am definitely gonna use some of these!! LOL!!

[Oracle]

:lol: YEAH.. but you know.. we could always mess with our bill collectors! Haha!

[Kerryann]

You should come up with something specifically for Johova Witness people, too..

I'm definitely going to use some of those for the credit card people that call saying they want to give me a credit card...:D

[Oracle]

THAT is actually a good idea! Maybe I could.. *thinsk evilly* Okay.. Got it--! Hehe.:lol:

[SMLVLFAN89]

Think you know everything?

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is 'screeched'.

All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

Los Angeles' full name is 'El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula'.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's It's a Wonderful Life.

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

Mr. Rogers was an ordained minister and was a sniper in Vietnam.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

...now you know everything

[Kerryann]

Holy Macorole!!! Now I know! Everything! :rotfl:

[casey]

SVFan89, those were all great! Thanks for the laughs. Hey, there's another infamous list out there sort of like these. It's a list of excuses/explanations that bad drivers gave to their insurance companies after their accidents. They say things like:

"I was driving down the street and the tree jumped out in front of me."

and

"I had to swerve all over the street before I finally hit the pedestrian."

Maybe you could find that list too.

[Kerryann]

Here's one...


The sign says one way, Officer... And I was only going one way....

I know someone dumb enough to use that one, too...:D

[SMLVLFAN89]

This might be what your thinking of: :)

Insurance claims - Short responses

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words possible.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

I thought my window was down but found out it was up when I put my head through it.

The other car collided with mine without warning of its intentions.

I collided with a stationery car going the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.

[Oracle]

:rotfl: YES! Now I know EVERYTHING there is to know! HA! Beat THAT, Batman!

[Supernatural Hero]

How to deal with cultists that come to your front door: Wrap police "crime scene do not cross" tape around the space in front of your door, draw a couple of chalk outlines and litter it with religious pamphlets.

[Oracle]

:rotfl: :lol: :D That'sa a GREAT idea! HAHAHA! I must remember to use that!

[nexgod]

51 ways to annoy people

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't matter which.

2) Have an uncontrollable lusting for someone else every five minutes.

3) Pretend to be from different ethnic backgrounds every hour, and when people ask you about it, answer like a hillbilly would.

4) Act like a hillbilly. Period.

5) Improvise Italian operas.

6) Gossip about someone to their face.

7) Answer every question with a question.

8) Repeat yourself constantly.

9) Act like a member of the opposite sex.

10) Repeat yourself constantly.

11) Act like Mr. Flanders from The Simpsons.

12) Repeat yourself constantly.

13) Change what you repeat every now and then.

14) Use homonyms in your e-male that the spell cheque would knot sea as miss steaks.

15) Change what you repeat every now and then.

16) Talk to someone while looking at somebody else.

17) Employ in your casual banter extensive vocabulary that will befuddle thy contemporaries.

18) Change what you repeat every now and then.

19) One word: Caffeine.

20) Another word or two: Caffeine and Sugar.

21) stringwhateveryousayintoonelongwordsoitshardtomake outwhatyou'resaying.

22) Using non-existent words like George Bush would.

23) Change what you repeat again.

24) Speak in rapid Spanish.

25) Pretend not to know about the rule of personal space.

26) When doing number 25, pretend to have a heavy nose cold causing you to breathe heavily through your mouth. Sneeze occasionally.

27) Change what you repeat again.

28) You are better than everybody else. Let them know so.

29) Rudely correct everybody's grammar.

30) Don't proper grammar use while you are correcting them.

31) Pretend to be drunk.

32) Groom yourself while standing backwards (towards everybody) in an elevator.

33) Change what you repeat again.

34) Pretend your name is Cletus-Atkins-Wheatherby-Percival-Smith, and don't answer to anything else.

35) Call everybody you know Bob or Georgia. Bob for girls, Georgia for boys.

36) Fine people for stupid things, like being too popular, or having to many teeth.

37) Change what you repeat again.

38) For those who wish to annoy, riddles is that in which you should speak.

39) Lick your lips constantly, acting as if doing so is pleasurable.

40) Pretend to be high.

41) Become severely narcoleptic in the middle of a conversazzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

42) Change what you repeat again.

43) You ARE the lord of the dance. Never forget that.

44) Speak in Gaelic.

45) Blink rapidly and constantly.

46) Scratch yourself constantly. I am not saying where.

47) Strut.

48) Start repeating what you say as soon as you say it.

49) Start repeating what you say as soon as you say it.

50) Become "The Masked Wedgie Giver."

51) Have this list printed on a T-shirt and write above it "Check list for Today." Don't let anybody forget that you have it on.

[Kerryann]

Originally posted by Supernatural Hero
How to deal with cultists that come to your front door: Wrap police "crime scene do not cross" tape around the space in front of your door, draw a couple of chalk outlines and litter it with religious pamphlets.


Here another... Wrap yourself in a bathrobe or towel and invite them into the bath with you..

[Lune]

Here this isn't a list better everyone i show it to loves it:
http://www.scusack.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/files/badger.swf

and this is one of my all time faves:
Why Parents Go Bald and Gray...

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees
home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster
the boss asked, Is your Daddy home? "Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the
all voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice
whispered, "no".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home
alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person
who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there
besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes" whispered the child, "A
policeman". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's
home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman"? "No, he's
busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?, asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered
answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is
that noise?" "A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is
going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering
voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-
copper"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss
asked, "Why are they there"? Still whispering, the young voice replied
along with a muffled giggle: "They're looking for me".

I hope you like them!

[Kerryann]

Holy s**t!!! Those are good, nexgod!!

[SMLVLFAN89]

Heres a joke:

The 'three-kick' rule

A yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field. I'm going in to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!"

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the NC Three-Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."

The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

[Kerryann]

OUCH!!!!!!!

[SMLVLFAN89]

The old man and the sea

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns telling each other their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?

"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.

"Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook

[HuffyTheCampfireSlayer]

Hee. That was good, SVF89. I'm just going to change the title of the thread to 'the joke thread', because that's pretty much what it's become now.

[SMLVLFAN89]

Kewl, thanks Huffy!

[HuffyTheCampfireSlayer]

You're welcome. If I come across any funny emails I'll post them, too. :)

[KnockOut]

Real excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. (this parent took drastic action)

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33. (will do)

4.Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. (these things turn up)

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. (body cast or no?)

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. (this would keep me from going to school)

10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. (thaaaats toooooo baaaaad)

11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]

12. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. (We forgive you jimmy!)

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears. (She!?)

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines. (What kind of parents are you?)

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. (happens to the best of us)

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. (no comment)

21. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even (edited by me becuase of inappropriatness)

22. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with (again edited by me for being inappropriate)

This is one of the funniest things i have ever read!

[Kerryann]

I sent this to my mother, and she told me she couldn't stop laughing!! I agree... This was rolling on the floor good!

[KnockOut]

OOh got a good one, forgot where i hear dit though

"I was getting sick of it when my grandmas kept pinching my cheek at weddings and saying "your next, your next!" Well they stopped doing that junk when i would do the same thing at funerals." ~Unkown because I forgot

[Supernatural Hero]

Billie is the a girl's name. Billy is the boy's name.

[KnockOut]

Sorry for offending you, lol!!!

[SMLVLFAN89]

Hilarious! I laughed at them all!!! Good one Knockout!!

[Supernatural Hero]

Offending who? Me? I never said I was offended, I was just pointing out that the "she" in the note was correct because Billie is a girl's name.

[KnockOut]

it's cool, man. i' just being a dork! no harm!

[SMLVLFAN89]

Ive heard Mark Lowry (Comedian) say the one about "your next"

[KnockOut]

Wow, you know your humor!!!

[SMLVLFAN89]

hehe, thanks!

Things to Do to Liven Up Thanksgiving Dinner

1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen,
toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the
table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss
Shake.

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are Thankful
for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to
say anything more.

3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the
VCR when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last
two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn
off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.

4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive
conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you
they wouldn't notice that the Turkey was past expiration
date. You were worried for nothing."

[Supernatural Hero]

I love Mark Lowry! He's a Christian comedian. I only bring this up, so you will know why he told this joke:

I always thought I would get married when I turned 33, because Jesus was 33 when he layed down his life.

Another fave:

Why do women wear white to their weddings?
The dishwasher should always match the stove and refrigerator.

[casey]

Originally posted by SMLVLFAN89
This might be what your thinking of: :)

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.


:rotfl:

Yep, SMVLFAN89, that's the list I meant. Sooo funny, especially because it's all real. Thanks for all the laughs, all the lists are great!

Here's one I heard recently:

A woman was married to a wealthy, much older, man. He was dying and called her to his beside. He said he had been thinking about it, and had decided he wanted to be buried with all his money. He insisted that she promise to put all his money into his casket, when he died. Flabbergasted, she agreed.

At the funeral service her best friend watched as the widow approached the casket with a shoebox. She paid her last respects, then placed the shoebox into the casket and returned to her seat. Her horrified friend said, "Don't tell me you are actually going to bury him with all of his money?!"

Through tears the widow replied, " I promised I would, so I did. I wrote him a check for the full amount."

[4EVALUV]

All these jokes are to funny for words!!!

My stomach is so sore from laughing, and I think my butt is

bruised from falling off my

chair while having constant laughing fits!!! lol

[casey]

Hmm, too bad you don't have the invulnerable to pain power, 4evaluv. :)


There is LOTS of funny stuff here. Good idea for a thread!

[SMLVLFAN89]

Actual computer helpline conversation, Its kinda long :D

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C-prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

..."Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

..."Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh-huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

[KKrazy]

:lol: Oooooooooooo that's sad!!!

[casey]

I heard the guy was fired for that. Wonder if he really was.

[Kerryann]

more fodder for blonde jokes...

[KnockOut]

what do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?

(a) nothing
(b) duck
(c) pull the pin out and throw it back

[Disco]

got this in an email:

knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
she called me to get my phone number.
she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
she tried to drown a fish.
she thought a quarterback was a refund.
she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
she tripped over a cordless phone.
she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
she studied for a blood test.
she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home,she moved.
when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

[SMLVLFAN89]

LOL!! those are good!!!

Naval ship radio conversation

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!

[ManiacalLaughter]

oh, oh! stephen wright!

A FEW WORDS FROM THE VISIONARY STEVEN WRIGHT:

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked

something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is

research.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (this is

one of my long time favorites)

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried

before.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.



On the other hand, you have different fingers. -- Steven Wright

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?" -- Steven Wright

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. -- Steven Wright

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
-- Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
-- Steven Wright

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. -- Steven Wright

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
-- Steven Wright

"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes." -- Steven Wright

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo
cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of
the afternoon's appointments. -- Steven Wright

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness. -- Steven Wright

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
road an hour. -- Steven Wright

I have two very rare photographs.
One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car.
The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
-- Steven Wright

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
-- Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
-- Steven Wright

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
-- Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums. -- Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
-- Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
-- Steven Wright

What's another word for Thesaurus? -- Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
-- Steven Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms
with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" -- Steven Wright

You can't have everything. Where would you put it? -- Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
-- Steven Wright

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
-- Steven Wright

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
-- Steven Wright

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I
stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate
cake?" I said, "yes". -- Steven Wright

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll
give me the other one next year. -- Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?"
I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." -- Steven Wright

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out. -- Steven Wright

I had amnesia once or twice. -- Steven Wright

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. -- Steven Wright

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to
everybody on the list. -- Steven Wright

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They
went "Aaaaahhhh..." -- Steven Wright

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
-- Steven Wright

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky
must get awfully crowded. -- Steven Wright

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
-- Steven Wright

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and
then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
-- Steven Wright

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
-- Steven Wright

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
-- Steven Wright

The sky already fell. Now what? -- Steven Wright

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
-- Steven Wright

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't
see any forests. -- Steven Wright

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
-- Steven Wright

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old
lady had to help me across the street. -- Steven Wright

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're
Shakespeare? -- Steven Wright

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're
reading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm
like that all the time. -- Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment
somewhere. -- Steven Wright

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually... -- Steven Wright

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it.
Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
-- Steven Wright

cont.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
-- Steven Wright

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. -- Steven Wright

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
-- Steven Wright

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
-- Steven Wright

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all
day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open. -- Steven Wright

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open. -- Steven Wright

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment,
and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?
I'm like that all the time. -- Steven Wright

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you
making?" "A salt lick." -- Steven Wright

There aren't enough days in the weekend. -- Steven Wright

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors.
The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. -- Steven Wright

Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
-- Steven Wright

The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards. -- Steven Wright

Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill. -- Steven Wright

Is "tired old cliche" one? -- Steven Wright

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
-- Steven Wright

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
-- Steven Wright

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows. -- Steven Wright

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of
three-by-fives. -- Steven Wright

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
-- Steven Wright

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it
was none of my business. -- Steven Wright

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it
back. -- Steven Wright

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period.
Every crime ends with a sentence. -- Steven Wright

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches. -- Steven Wright

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine. -- Steven Wright

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By
the time I got the machine set up, I was done. -- Steven Wright

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts.
They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of
play-dough. -- Steven Wright

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit
gum. -- Steven Wright

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
-- Steven Wright

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. -- Steven Wright

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.
-- Steven Wright

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of
sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will." -- Steven Wright

I had my coathangers spayed. -- Steven Wright

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
-- Steven Wright

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa
Claus is missing. -- Steven Wright

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said,
"Don't I know you?" -- Steven Wright

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. -- Steven Wright

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I
can ride a unicycle. -- Steven Wright

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the
prescription ran out. -- Steven Wright

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. -- Steven Wright

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on
TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today." -- Steven Wright

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said
to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is
traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything
happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
-- Steven Wright

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope.
"We're surrounded." -- Steven Wright

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I
got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
-- Steven Wright

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
-- Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be if that didn't happen. -- Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
-- Steven Wright

It's a fine night to have an evening. -- Steven Wright


Even snakes are afraid of snakes. -- Steven Wright

I can't stop thinking like this. -- Steven Wright

This isn't all true. -- Steven Wright

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top,
and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
-- Steven Wright

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet. -- Steven Wright

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors. -- Steven Wright

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and
looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years
later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their
deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So.
What did you think?" -- Steven Wright

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says
it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told
me. -- Steven Wright

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
-- Steven Wright

What are imitation rhinestones? -- Steven Wright

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
-- Steven Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people? -- Steven Wright

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a
woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out." -- Steven Wright

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay
right up there. Hunters would be all confused. -- Steven Wright

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose. -- Steven Wright

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it it. Every once
in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have
written that." -- Steven Wright

"So, do you live around here often?" -- Steven Wright

cont.

I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She
said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said,
"They're behind the couch." And they were! -- Steven Wright

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child....eventually. -- Steven Wright

[Referring to a glass of water:]
I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
-- Steven Wright

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet
Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
-- Steven Wright

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes... -- Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. -- Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. -- Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?"
I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." -- Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
-- Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums. -- Steven Wright

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...
Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire. -- Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance. -- Steven Wright

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the
shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the
table would move across the floor to it. -- Steven Wright

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
-- Steven Wright

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt
dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" -- Steven Wright

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said,
"ten-four." -- Steven Wright

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars". -- Steven Wright

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was
locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He
said, "Yes, but not in a row." -- Steven Wright

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they
can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me
what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium." -- Steven Wright

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's
free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
-- Steven Wright

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting
Slinkies on the escalator. -- Steven Wright

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were
trapped on the escalators. -- Steven Wright

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap
department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know
when to stop unwrapping. -- Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same
room and let them fight it out. -- Steven Wright

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...
-- Steven Wright

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control. -- Steven Wright

I invented the cordless extension cord. -- Steven Wright

I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Stephen, why haven't
you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no
five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know...
my calendar has no sevens on it." -- Steven Wright

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They
went "Aaaaahhhh..." -- Steven Wright

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said,
"Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so...
he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait." -- Steven Wright

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish
tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this
<<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I
got a lotta calls yesterday." -- Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment
somewhere. -- Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are
furious! -- Steven Wright

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a
department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in
the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." -- Steven Wright

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a
woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out." -- Steven Wright

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real
brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm
gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real." -- Steven Wright

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never
have to go upstairs. -- Steven Wright

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera
to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face.
The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house. -- Steven Wright

All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasing
them by watering them with ice cubes. -- Steven Wright

I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front
of the fire for the evening in two minutes. -- Steven Wright

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted to
run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook,
you had to pull off a sweater real quick. -- Steven Wright

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
-- Steven Wright

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had
to buy them again. -- Steven Wright

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood
kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw
it at them. -- Steven Wright

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car
keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was
speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right
here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all
the cars, "Get out of my driveway!" -- Steven Wright

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except
I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH. -- Steven Wright

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so
I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward]
-- Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas,
people behind me stop, and I'm gone. -- Steven Wright

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm
the only one moving. -- Steven Wright

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really
fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to
take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica
sounds *amazing*. -- Steven Wright

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they
wouldn't have to go so fast. -- Steven Wright

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.
-- Steven Wright

My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out. -- Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the
place. -- Steven Wright

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a
message and I'll call when I'm out." -- Steven Wright

Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving...every half
mile...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...I don't
remember what it was. -- Steven Wright

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be
really tired. -- Steven Wright

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said,
"See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down
on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off.
And see this thing? This steers it." -- Steven Wright

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know
the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be
out that long..." -- Steven Wright

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you
see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
-- Steven Wright

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get
pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it
clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go." -- Steven Wright

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in
their right mind would park in the passing lane?" -- Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
-- Steven Wright

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area
was missing. -- Steven Wright

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to
go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy.
Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end
of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and
she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep." -- Steven Wright

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's
going to be up all night. -- Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I
said, "No, I made a few mistakes." -- Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. -- Steven Wright

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish.
My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world. -- Steven Wright

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over
there and write misspelled words on them. -- Steven Wright

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She
said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said,
"They're behind the couch." And they were! -- Steven Wright

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and
said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know,
but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." -- Steven Wright

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to
sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
-- Steven Wright

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires
backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he
said, "Hey, these records are all blank." -- Steven Wright

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He
caught every other fish. -- Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an
idiot. -- Steven Wright

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me
and keeps typing. -- Steven Wright

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on
them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. -- Steven Wright

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some
people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. -- Steven Wright

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now. -- Steven Wright

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
-- Steven Wright

[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O.
I don't trust anybody! -- Steven Wright

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...[picks up his glass
of water from the stool]...I like to live on the edge... -- Steven Wright

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
-- Steven Wright

I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when
I leave a house, I go out through the window. -- Steven Wright

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five
minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. -- Steven Wright

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You
couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go
by. -- Steven Wright

[KnockOut]

You so dumb and ugly, they probably dropped you on the cement when you were a baby and the beat you ugly with a stick for crying...

[Supernatural Hero]

An airplane was about to crash and a woman stood up and said, "Is there any man on this plane who wants to make me feel like a woman, one last time?" A man stood up, took off his shirt and said, "Here, iron this."

[Kerryann]

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[Supernatural Hero]

I have to apologize for all my women bashing jokes, but I can't think of any more, that are appropriate for this forum.

[Kerryann]

I'm not offended, Supernatural Hero.. I like any joke that makes me laugh!! :D

[Supernatural Hero]

If I could be assured that no one would be offended by some of my other jokes [not about women], then I would post them. I don't mean any of them. I do, however, refuse to post perverted jokes.

[Disco]

good idea to make sure your jokes are tastefull. just because you might think its funny doesn't mean everyone will.

this was not posted to anyone in particlar. it was made as a general statement.

now back to our regularly scheduled program.

and now for a really bad joke:

my boss wanted to know why his computer froze. my co-worker chimed in and said "maybe it was cold"

:p

[SMLVLFAN89]

There was a comic where the boss asked why his computer screen was blurry. After some arguing, the co-worker told him not to wipe off his screen using his hankercheif during flu season.

[casey]

Eww!

[Kerryann]

Originally posted by Disco
good idea to make sure your jokes are tastefull. just because you might think its funny doesn't mean everyone will.

this was not posted to anyone in particlar. it was made as a general statement.

now back to our regularly scheduled program.

and now for a really bad joke:

my boss wanted to know why his computer froze. my co-worker chimed in and said "maybe it was cold"

:p

Very funny, Disco!! I have to call my mother now, and tell her.. I have called my mom so many times on behalf of this thread, it's unbelievable!

[SMLVLFAN89]

47 rules for writers

1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.)

6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14. One should NEVER generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.

16. Don't use no double negatives.

17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be ignored.

21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

23. DO NOT use exclamation points and all caps to emphasize!!!

24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.

26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.

27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

32. Who needs rhetorical questions?

33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

34. The passive voice should never be used.

36. Do not put statements in the negative form.

37. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

38. A writer must not shift your point of view.

39. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences of ten or more words, to their antecedents.

40. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

41. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

42. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

43. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

44. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

45. Always pick on the correct idiom.

46. The adverb always follows the verb.

47. Be careful to use the rite homonym. And Finally...

47. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

[ManiacalLaughter]

I've read those before. Hilarious.

[KnockOut]

i love making analogies, like 'hot as a redneck in the middle of the summer' or 'run like a fat kid runs from a diet'. all original material.

[SMLVLFAN89]

Things you'd rather not hear during surgery

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.

Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.

Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!!

Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that...uh...that uh....thingie.

Oh, no. I just lost my Rolex.

Oops. Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Shoot-fire, the guy's got two of 'em.

Everybody stand back - I lost my contact lens.

Could you stop that thing from thumping; it's throwing my concentration off.

I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

That's cool! Now, can you make his leg twitch?!

I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses...

Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean, right?

What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...?

And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.

[HuffyTheCampfireSlayer]

Got this email sent to me today and thought I'd share.

Disorder in the court

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent - don't miss the last
one.
________________________________________

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
________________________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
________________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
______________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_______________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
________________________________________

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
_________________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
_________________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
__________________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
__________________________________________

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
________________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
________________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
________________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
____________________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
___________________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
___________________________________________

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
___________________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
__________________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
__________________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

[Kerryann]

ooooooohhhhhhh!! :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[Supernatural Hero]

Q: What do you call 100 lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?

A: Not enough sand.

Q: Why don't sharks eat lawyers?

A: Professinal courtesy.

Q: What do you call 1,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A good start.

[DarthJackie]

I don't know if it's been posted yet, I only read through posts 20 or so, but I have another Stupid labels joke:

Knife: Warning Keep out of children. [bobby: hey suzie, let's play with this!]

[SMLVLFAN89]

In the spirit of christmas:

Top ten things to say about a Christmas gift you don't like

10. Hey! There's a gift!

9. Well, well, well ...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. I love it - but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2. To think - I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

And the Number One Thing to say about a Christmas gift you don't like:

1. "I really don't deserve this."

------------------------------------------------------


Fractured Christmas carols

No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly.

We three kings of porridge and tar.

On the first day of Christmas, my tulip gave to me.

Later on, we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.

Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.

With the jelly toast proclaim.

Olive, the other reindeer.

Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say.

Sleep in heavenly peas.

In the meadow, we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown

You'll go down in listerine.

Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay.

Come, froggy faithful.

You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require".

Good tidings we bring to you and your kid.

[lalique]

Hehe! Thats funny!! I've got one....



Dear Dogs and Cats,

When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not switch
positions
with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing
in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I
fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they
can
actually curl up in a ball. ! It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent
possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing
but
sarcasm.


For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. When I exit this room, I
will come out the the same door I entered. In addition, I have been
using bathrooms for years. Canine attendance has never been necessary.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs' butt. I
cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

In return for your following these simple rules, I have posted the
following message on our front door:



Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our
Pets:


1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.

3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who
is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for
money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called,
never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't
smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't
wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if
they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

[SwedishSuperhero]

Yesterday I watched a documentary about a group of scientists who traveled over the world and told people jokes that had been submitted to a web page they´d set up. I realised there are not many robot jokes, so I wrote some myself just to see if they work.


A human mom and a robot mom are discussing their respective offspring. The human mom says:
"I´m so worried for my son. He´s started with piercing and tattoos."
The robot mom replies: "I have the same problem with my son. Last night he came home and his entire body was covered with fridge magnets and kids´ drawings!"


A psychologist and a mechanic are examining a malfunctioning robot. The psychologist says: "It looks like this one has a screw loose."
The mechanic says: "Hey! I was gonna say that!"


Two blondes are sitting at a bar, conversating, when one of them sees a robot is flirting with the other one, without her even noticing. The first one says: "You see that robot over there? I think he´s fond of you."
The other blonde answers: "Really? I thought he was turning left!"

[Supernatural Hero]

I was doing a stand-up routine for some Jehova's Witnesses once...all they wanted to hear, were knock-knock jokes.

[vyperman7]

A couple is going to get married.

The man tells his soon to be wife that the only request he has, is that he wants a dresser drawer all to himself, and she is never allowed to look. She thinks it is weird, but reluctantly agrees.

Thirty years later, the woman can no longer take it. She finally cracks and looks what is in the drawer. There is a fat stack of cash and a box that holds up to three golfballs that is 2/3 full.

She goes to her husband to ask him what the contents mean. He tells her that he is suprised that she did not look years ago. Then he goes onto explain. "A golfball represents a woman that I have had an affair with". The woman is upset, but slowly begins to calm down and says " Two women in 30 years is bad, but I guess it could have been a lot worse."

The woman then asks her husband " What is all the money for?"

The man replied " Everytime I get a set of three golf balls, I sell it."

[Dukegirl]

Originally posted by SMLVLFAN89

14. On a child's Superman costume: 'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly'.

Clark: Damn! Muuuum! What am I gonna do now?

:D

I have one more, I hope it's not been posted yet...

Bad translation on Japanese knife: Keep out of children :lol: (I think they meant to keep it out of reach of children, mmm?)

[trunks3000]

did you hear about the cannibal who was late for dinner?

his wife gave him the cold shoulder.

[Phantom Zone]

Did you hear about the leper's hockey game?
*
*
*
There was a faceoff in the corner..

[Dukegirl]

More jokes (they're all blond jokes mind you) can be found here (http://www.mashtalk.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=5932).

[Phantom Zone]

Do you know why miquitos don't like clowns?..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Because they taste funny.

[Dukegirl]

:lol:

Oh I love that one!

[SMLVLFAN89]

It is revived!! By funny people! :lol:

[Phantom Zone]

What goes black...white...black...white...black...white...bl ack...white...
black...white...black...white...black...white...bl ack...white...THUD!!
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
A Nun rolling downstairs!!


What goes "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
The Priest who pushed her :D

[muttley]

:lol:

[LilWonderWoman]

Three guys show up at the pearly gates. St. Peter stops them and says "You will need a vehicle to get around heaven. If you've lead a good life and been faithful to your wife you will be rewarded"
the first man came up and peter asks him "how faithful were you to your wife?"
the man replies"i cheated on her several times but remained faithful for my final years"
"fine you will be given a station wagon"
The next man comes up and peter asks him, "How faithful were you to your wife?"
the man answers "i cheated on her twice in our marriage"
peter replies "fine you shall get a Lincoln towncar"
the final man comes up and peter asks "how faithful were you to your wife?"
The man replies" in our entire marriage I never cheated on her, I loved her with my heart and soul."
peter replies "fine you shall be rewarded with a Bentley"
A week later they all meet up at the intersection and they see the man with the Bentley with a sad face.
The man with the station wagon asks "Whats wrong buddy you got the best deal out of all of us?"
the man in the Bentley replies, "i just saw my wife on a skate board"

[The_Gimp]

:lol:

Rodney Dangerfield One Liners

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had
nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's
home." I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.
Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked.
I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that ?"
He said "Because you came home early."

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning. I put a shirt on and
a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came
off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept
covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me My bath toys were a toaster and
radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me.
She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly...My father carried around a picture of the kid who
came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to
my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly ..... My mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of
my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me
find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them ?"
He said," I don't know kid. There's so many places they can
hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club, I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how
big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look
in the
mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me ?" He said..."I
don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping
pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him,
"How can I get my kite in the air ?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves
a pyramid.
His favorite bone is in my arm.
Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those
times I was reading it.

20 One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in
the electric chair.

22. I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother !!!

[Dukegirl]

:lol:

I love good jokes!

As you probably know, I'm nuts about Canada (and Italy too :D). This also means I need to find good jokes about Canada. No offence Canadian buddies - I read somewhere Canadians love to laugh with jokes about Canada...

Found some using Google. Hope it's funny!


You are from Canada
You know your from Manitoba, Canada, when....


You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.


You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.


The mosquitoes have landing lights.


You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.


You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.


Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.


You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.


You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.


Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.


You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.


The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.


At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.


The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.


Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.


You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.


You head south to go to your cottage.


You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.


You know which leaves make good toilet paper.


The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.


You find -40C a little chilly.


The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.


You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.


You can play road hockey on skates.


You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.


The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

[galen]

No comments just jokes and funny stories...:p ;) :p


Now start laughing!:lol: :rotfl: :lol:




A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are injured in any way.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "and look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. :rolleyes:

[M.D.]

Top ten ways the Bible would be different if it were written by college students

10. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning cold.

9. The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.

8. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.

7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria.

6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.

5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

4. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.

3. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.

2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

[chunkymonkey]

Top 20 Things to Do
While Ordering a Pizza
20. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

19. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

18. Put them on hold.

17. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented...

16. Report a petty theft to the order taker.

15. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

14. Be vague in your order. When they ask what you'd like on your pizza say, "Oh, a little of this, a little of that..."

13. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

12. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

11. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

10. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

9. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

8. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

7. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the jazz about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

5. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?"

4. When they say, "Will that be all?" snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

3. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

2. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

1. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

[M.D.]

ohh i found another about a man and woman driving.. thought it goes well with the first one.

The perfect woman

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life was, of course, 'perfect'.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a SUV) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men read the spoiler **.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a accident.

[chunkymonkey]

Top 17 Ways to
Freak-Out Your Roommate
17. Smoke ballpoint pens.

16. Smile -- All the time.

15. Always flush the toilet three times.

14. Listen to radio static.

13. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.

12. Whenever your roommate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself.

11. Whenever you go to sleep, starts jumping on your bed . . . do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out . . . use this method to fall asleep...every night for a month.

10. Ask your roommate if he/she has ever looked into the eye's of his/her victim.

9. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.

8. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foliage.

7. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.

6. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.

5. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door

4. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.

3. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. With an air of disdain, announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.

2. Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.

1. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."

[Snarky]

:rotfl: :rotfl: :lol: :rotfl:
These are great!

[M.D.]

In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo theory to his buddy, Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this.

"Well you see Norm it's like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the lowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

[TWCK]

Fun Ways to Confuse Trick-or-Treaters

Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, AOL Disks, etc.)

Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.

Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.

Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.

Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.

After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.

When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"

When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away.

Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.

Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.

Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.

When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.

Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.

Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.

Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.

Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.

Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.

Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.

[M.D.]

The King James version Bible baseball game

The people gathered (Numbers 11.32) to see the battle (1 Sam. 14.28) and sat down to eat and drink (Ex. 32.6) old corn...and (Joshua 15.12) sweet water. (James 3.11)

Eli sat upon a seat by a post (1 Sam.1.9) and he stretched himself (1 Kgs. 17.21) that he may see good. (Ps. 34.12) So the people shouted: (Joshua 6.20) "Where are the nine? (Luke 17.17) Let the young men now arise and play before us." (2 Sam. 2.14)

The first came out (Gen. 25.25) and went into the field (Num. 22.23) and stood every man in his place. (Jdg. 7.21) And Peter called, (Mk. 14.72) whether it be good or bad. (Lev. 27.12) As one mocketh, another do (Job 13.9) with loud voices: (Lk. 23:23) "Thou art blind!" (Rev. 3.17) And he stooped to (1 Sam. 28.4) make clean...the platter. (Lk. 11.39) And the trumpeters sounded: (2 Chron. 29.28) "Kohath shall pitch." (Num. 3.29) And Samson went and caught. (Jdg 15:4)

David was up (2 Sam. 24.11) on the left side (Eze. 1.10) and he struck it into the pan (1 Sam. 2.14) foul. (Matt. 16.3) The second was offered; (Jdg. 6.28) he striketh - (Job 34.26) he missed! (1 Sam. 20.18) On the third (Gen. 22.4) he struck him out! (2 Sam. 20.10) So Levite went in; (Jdg. 17.10) he stood and measured the earth; he beheld, and drove (Hab. 3.6) for an homer. (Hos. 3.2) And all the people shouted with a great shout. (Ezra 3.11) And Noah went in, (Gen. 7.7) and did fly (2 Sam. 22.11) into the field. (Num. 22.23) And Jotham ran away (Jdg.9.21) and looking back (Lk. 9.62) gathered it. (Isa. 62.9) And Aaron went in, (Ex. 5.1) and he worketh it (Isa. 44.12) two and two. (Gen. 7.9) And Samson said: (Jdg. 15.3) "Strike it!" (Ex. 12.7) And Aaron spake: (Ex. 4.30) "A good man would (Rom. 5.7) be not one of them that strike." (Prov. 22.26) And the man refused to smite. (1 Kgs 20.35) And Aaron took, (Numbers 16.47) and he walked. (1 Kgs. 15.3) Amon sacrificed (2 Chron. 33.22) and Aaron ran (Num. 16.47) into the second, (Heb. 9.7) and overran! (2 Sam. 18.23) And with the bag (Micah 6.11) afar off - (Gen. 22.4) a good man out. (Matt. 12.35)

Now Jeremiah came in; (Jer. 37.4) then he went out, (Gen. 31.33) being caused to fly, (Daniel 9.21) And the men of Israel retired. (Jdg. 20.39) Then the Philistines went up (Jdg. 15.9) And Joseph was... captain (Gen. 39.1) of the Philistines. (Jdg. 3.31) And Absalom pitched. (2 Sam. 17.26)

Then Joseph commanded to fill their sacks. (Gen. 42.25) Shimei came forth (2 Sam. 16.5) and stood and walked. (Acts 3.8) The pitcher (Ecclesiastes 12.6) looked this way and that; (Ex. 2.12) He stretched out (Hos. 7.5) and threw. (Acts 22.23) And Archers hit. (1 Sam. 31.3)

And it came to pass on second (Lk. 6.1) Job caught (Job 38.5) the line (1 Kgs. 2.28) and threw (2 Sam. 16.13) at the first; (Gen. 13.4) Therefore David ran and stood upon (1 Sam. 17.51) the first, (Gen. 13.4) put forth his hand, and caught (Ex. 4.4) the toss. (Jer. 5.22) This is the second death. (Rev. 20.14) Then Joseph could not refrain himself, and he cried: (Gen. 45.1) "Goodness, if thou continue in (Rom. 11.22) going down, (Gen. 15.12) our hope is lost (Eze. 37.11) and my garments (Isa. 63.3) and job." (Job 32.3)

And Abram went up (Gen. 13.1) and Abram drove (Gen. 15.11) into the air. (Acts 22.23) And Judah came in (Gen. 38.8) under it, (Dan. 4.14) and through idleness of the hands (Eccl. 10.18) the fly (Isa. 7.18) droppeth through (Eccl. 10.18) giving him a double. (Lev. 21.17) Abraham took wood and (Gen. 22.6) caught hold of (2 Sam. 18.9) an hard (Matt. 25.24) and high (Rev. 21.12) delivery (Isa. 26.17) and smote it (Jdg. 7.13) into left. (Lev. 14.15) Thus and thus (Jdg. 18.4) Israel fought against (Josh. 10.29) the Philistines (1 Sam. 19.8) till the ninth. (Lev. 25.22) For each, one (Num. 7.3) in the first, (Jer. 25.1) and seven times (Lev. 25.8) after that they (Eccl. 9.3) gathereth eggs. (Isa. 10.14)

In the ninth, (1 Kgs. 25.1) Israel went out (1 Kgs. 20.21) in a row, (1 Kgs. 7.3) and none came in. (1 Sam. 18.13) He sent divers sorts of flies among them (Ps. 78.45) And they caught them every one. (2 Sam. 2.6) The first man (1 Cor. 15.45) for the Philistines (1 Sam. 28.15) drew the third, (Rev. 12.4) and the fourth (Dt. 28.20) came to the outside; (Jdg. 7.19) he walketh. (Job 22.14) The pitcher (Eccl. 12.6) climbed up upon (1 Sam. 14.13) the mount (Dt. 1.7) and pitched. (Ex. 19.2) And Moses put it on a pole (Num. 21.9) for an homer, (Hos. 3.2) and Israel was beaten. (2 Sam. 2.17)

And behold, the man clothed with linen, which had the inkhorn by his side, reported the matter (Eze. 9.11) and wrote it in a book. (1 Sam. 10.25)

[Kryptofan]

Listen to what happened to me today during I was having a Biology exam at school...I threw my pen down in order to bend and speak with the guy at the back.All of sudden my jeans-actually Diesel,which is quite axpensive here in Greece to buy- ripped...We all start laughing and I blashed!Thank God the guy didn't see my a**.We thought this was funny,although we could make it look embarashing.
Moral:Be careful with your jeans,they're not so strong-wearing!!!!!!:)

[SuperPillowGun]

Great Jokes!! :rotfl:

[SuperPillowGun]

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol: :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

[the_small_fan]

lol... thank god i'm sitting down :rotfl:

[M.D.]

Husbandisms

Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with. - Kathleen Mifsud

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. - Ann Bancroft

Any husband who says, "My wife and I are completely equal partners", is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. - Bill Cosby

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. - Benjamin Franklin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. - Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - George Burns

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. - Elaine Boosler

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." - Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. - Phyllis Diller

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. - Rita Rudner

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. - Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. - Erma Bombeck

At a party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man." - Anonymous #1

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with bald head and a big gut, and still think they are beautiful. - Anonymous #2

[SuperPillowGun]

:rotfl:

[Radioflyer]

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:

NAIVE....

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?




Please respond boat number nine!
Boat number nine are you alright?
Boat number nine please respond!
Wait a minute, we don't have a
boat number nine! Boat number six
pease respond, boat number six!

[SMLVLFAN89]

:lol: good stuff!

[tjh]

"Hello, is this the police?

"Yes it is. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Tony. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the police officers descended on the neighbours' house in great numbers. They searched the house and then went to the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood but found no Cocaine.

They swore and left. The phone rang at the neighbours house when he got home that evening.

"Hey, mate. Did the cops come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, mate."

:lol:

GOD BLESS THE KIWI WOMEN!
> Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their
> new wives straight on their duties.
>
> The first man had married a woman from Sydney, Australia. He bragged
> that he had told his wife to do all the dishes and clean the house.
> He said that it took her a couple of days, but on the third day he
> came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put
> away.
>
> The second man had married a woman from London, England. He bragged
> that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,
> dishes, and the cooking. He told the men that the first day he didn't
> see any results, but by the next day it was better, and on the third
> day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner
> on the table.
>
> The third man had married a Kiwi girl. He boasted that he told her
> that his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and
> laundry folded. And this was all her responsibility. He said the
> first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see
anything
> but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could
> see a little out of his left eye!
>
> Got to love us women from New Zealand!

[johnmatrix3rd]

how do you recognise an irish man in a car wash.................

he is the one on the motorbike!

[MGZZ]

a women sends her knickers to her laundrette but they still come back stanied. She sends a note saying "Use more soap on clothes" the Man send the note back his reading "use more paper on ass"

[Oracle]

*giggles hard at all of the new jokes* OH yeah.... halarious stuff-- :rotfl: :rotfl:

[cca_25]

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Really good stuff.:lol:

[sexy_lexy0503]

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and got out twenty dollars. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He gave the homeless person $5 and kept $15 for administrative fees.

Now you understand the difference between Republicans and Democrats

[M.D.]

Things you wouldn't hear a Southerner say

We don't keep firearms in this house.
Duct tape won't fix that.
Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
Wrasslin's fake.
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my hair's too big?
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Who's Richard Petty?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Deer heads detract from the decor.
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Trim the fat off that steak.
The tires on that truck are too big.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
Unsweetened tea tastes better.
My fiancé Billie-Bob-Sue is registered at Tiffany's.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
Hey, here's an episode of Hee Haw we haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college team.
I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
Elvis who?
Checkmate.
I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
I've got it all on a DVD.

License plate state slogans

Someone sent this to me. I thought it was funny. Hey! My state's in here, too, so if you're offended... get over it! - Mark

ALABAMA: Literacy ain't everything.
ARKANSAS: At least we're not Oklahoma
ILLINOIS: Gateway to Iowa
KENTUCKY: Tobacco is a vegetable.
MAINE: For sale.
MONTANA: Land of the Big Sky, and very little else.
NEW JERSEY: You have the right to remain silent, You have the right to an attorney.
NEW MEXICO: Lizards make excellent pets
NORTH CAROLINA: Five million people; Fifteen last names.
OHIO: Don't judge us by Cleveland.
PENNSYLVANIA: Cook with coal.
SOUTH DAKOTA: Closer than North Dakota.
TENNESSEE: The Educashun State.
TEXAS: Si Hablo Ingles.
UTAH: Our Jesus is better than your Jesus.
CALIFORNIA: Nobody's actually from here.
KANSAS: Hayfever capital of the Midwest.
COLORADO: Too wimpy to cross the mountains so we stopped here.
NEBRASKA: More corn than Kansas.
MISSOURI: Gateway to Kansas.
LOUISIANA: Cancer Alley's just a name, and names will never hurt you.
NEVADA: More weirdos than Alaska (Warmer, too).
MICHIGAN: Land of the free, home of the Buick.
ARIZONA: Winter home to 150,000 snowbirds.
FLORIDA: Elephant Graveyard; where old Republicans go to die.
MINNESOTA: Not Sweden but we try to act like it.
WISCONSIN: Land of funny accents.
IDAHO: Nothing here.
OREGON: As pretty as California but not as weird.

[M.D.]

Changes to the English language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phase-in plan that would be known as 'Euro-English'.

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favor of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replased with the 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20% shorter!

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double leters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' wiz 'v'. During ze fifz year ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kurs be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After ze fifz yer ve vil hav a rali sensibl ritn styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evriun vil find it ezi tu undrstand ech ozer.

Zen Z Drem Vil Finali Kum Tru!!

[MGZZ]

:D :) :D Great stuff!

[M.D.]

Degrees Fahrenheit

65 - Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night

60 - Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)

50 - Miami residents turn on the heat

45 - Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts

40 - You can see your breath
Californians shiver uncontrollably
&nbspMinnesotans go swimming

35 - Italian cars don't start

32 - Water freezes

30 - You plan your vacation to Australia

25 - Ohio water freezes
&nbspCalifornians weep pitiably.
&nbspMinnesotans eat ice cream.
&nbspCanadians go swimming.

20 - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes.
Miami residents plan vacation further South.

15 - French cars don't start.
&nbspCat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.

10 - You need jumper cables to get the car going.

5 - American cars don't start

0 - Alaskans put on T-shirts

-10 - German cars don't start
&nbspEyes freeze shut when you blink

-15 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
&nbspArkansans stick tongue on metal objects
&nbspMiami residents cease to exist

-20 - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
&nbspPoliticians actually do something about the homeless
&nbspMinnesotans shovel snow off roof
&nbspJapanese cars don't start

-25 - Too cold to think
&nbspYou need jumper cables to get the driver going

-30 - You plan a two week hot bath
&nbspSwedish cars don't start

-40 - Californians disappear
&nbspMinnesotans button top button
&nbspCanadians put on sweaters
&nbspYour car helps you plan your trip South

-50 - Congressional hot air freezes
&nbspAlaskans close the bathroom window

-80 - Hell freezes over
&nbspPolar bears move South
&nbspGreen Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game

-90 - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets

[cca_25]

Good stuff. :lol: :rotfl:

[M.D.]

Lessons from Mother

My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that it will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me REASON:
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me LOGIC:
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you 'look' at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen THEN?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY!:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
"Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING:
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD:
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP:
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me HUMOR:
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT:
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about SEX:
"How do you think you got here?"

My Mother taught me about GENETICS:
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS:
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE:
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And...
My Mother taught me about JUSTICE:
"One day you'll have kids... and I hope they turn out just like you!"

[SMLVLFAN89]

here it is!!!!

[M.D.]

where is it?

So a Father is talking to his future son in law about his plans for the future in his parlor. The son in law-to-be, Frank, is in his last year of seminary to become a pastor. The father asks "Frank, how do you plan to provide a home for my little girl, as she is accostumed to living in."

Frank replied humbly, "Well, I plan to study hard, and know the God will provide."

The father asked again, "Frank, how do you plan on providing money for her to buy clothes, such as she is accustomed to wearing?"

Frank softly said, "Sir, I'm going to work hard, and I know God will provide."

The father asked a third time about the future, "Frank, how do you plan on providing food for the two of you to eat, as she is accustomed to eating."

Confidently Frank replied, "Father, I will do what I do, and God will provide."

Later, the father was discussing this with his wife in their bedroom and said, "Well the bad news is, he's going to be unemployed, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

[Klor-El]

Some qoutes from Jack Handy


#1: It takes a big man to cry, but it
takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

#2: If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real
limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and
people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

#3: If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a
cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he
asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him
is "Probably because of something you did."

#4: To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no
music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each
other.

#5: If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier
about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed
all the time, for no good reason.

#6: Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle,
because if he sticks his head out when you're coming
home his face might burn up.

#7: To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda
scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think
it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a
clown killed my dad.

#9: Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous
animal is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant.
The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an
elephant, just trampling and eating everything they
see.

#10: As we were driving, we saw a sign that said
"Watch For Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch
For Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her
suggestion to the highway department, but she started
saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a
simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

#12: Once, when I was in Hawaii, on the island of
Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was
about to die and wanted to tell someone about the
treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long
story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He
started telling his story, about the treasure and his
life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too
long." But then, he kept going, and I started
thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But
then, the story was over, and I said to myself: "You
know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget
what the story was about, but there was a good movie
on the plane. It was a little long, though

#13: If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the
hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying
to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

#14: Is there anything more beautiful than a
beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front
of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful
rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very
beautiful painting with his feet? And also, you're
drunk.

Uhmm...sorry if there are any profanities in this...i had thme in my e-mail account and i didnt check them and edit them first.....i dont think there are, butif there are im Sorry!!

[Klor-El]

More from Mr Jack Handy

Again, sorry if there are profanities.....


#21: Anytime I see something screech across a room and
latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and
tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is
that thing?!

#22: In weightlifting, I don't think sudden,
uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify
you.

#23: If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and
falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think
you should buck him off right away.

#24: If you define cowardice as running away at the
first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and
begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess
I am a coward.

#25: The memories of my family outings are still a
source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile
into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive
and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think
there were some trees there. The smell of something
was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we
played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called
"Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think
we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

#26: Blow ye winds, like the trumpet blows; but
without that noise.

#27: I wish a robot would get elected President. That
way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at
him and not feel too bad.

#28: He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land.
He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and
married her. But when he kissed her, she
disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the
preacher said "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and
the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the
others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven - with a
gun."

#29: When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they
must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together
one evening, slapped each other on the back and said,
"Hey, good job."

#30: If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't
open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I
think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
swimming.

#31: Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do
a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to
the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the
person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what
I've left on the porch? A jack-o'-lantern with a knife
in the side of its head with a note that says "You."
After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm
done.

#32: I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting
out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles
to that old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and
round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it
stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a
winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had
some growing up to do.

[M.D.]

There was a man who had worked all of his life and saved all of his money. He loved money more than just about anything. Shortly before he died, he had his wife promise that, when he died, she'd take all his money and place it in the casket with him.

Soon after that, he died. He was stretched out in the casket and his wife was sitting in the front row of the church. At the end of the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She went over to the casket and placed a shoebox inside. Then, the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man."

She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian and I promised him that I would put his money in the casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

[muttley]

:lol: like it!

[Klor-El]

LOL that was a good one MD

[Exodus2000]

i find it funny that theres another "humor thread"